


Doom, Gloom, and Heartlessness

by I_have_a_Mycroft_of_my_very_own



Series: Pie is Love, Blood is Life [2]
Category: Dracula Untold (2014), Pirates of the Caribbean (Movies), Pushing Daisies, The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Reincarnation verse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-04
Updated: 2015-09-04
Packaged: 2018-04-19 00:23:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,774
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4725770
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/I_have_a_Mycroft_of_my_very_own/pseuds/I_have_a_Mycroft_of_my_very_own
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“You never actually grew up, did you?” Vlad asks, grinning.</p>
<p>“I grew up twice, I’ll have you know.”</p>
<p>“Really? I couldn’t tell.”</p>
<p>“Oh, shut it.”</p>
<p>“You shut it.”</p>
<p>“Both of you shut it.” Ned scolds, petting Jack.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Doom, Gloom, and Heartlessness

**Author's Note:**

> And so continues the utter insanity that is going to be this series.

“Okay, let me see if I understand this.”

“Okay.”

“You touch dead things, and they come back to life?”

“For sixty seconds, yes.”

“But they can come back for longer than sixty seconds?”

“Yes, but something dies in their place.”

“And if you touch something you’ve brought back to life, it dies forever?”

“Yes.”

“That’s so _strange!”_

“Says the Vampire reincarnation of a human king from millennia ago.”

“Touché.”

They were cuddling up in Vlad’s bed, enjoying the feel of being in each other’s arms again, and hiding from the morning sun. Vlad was drawing shapes on Ned’s back, while Ned drew circles on Vlad’s stomach and hummed contentedly.

“Okay, but-“

“Vlad. Please, I don’t know exactly how it works.” Ned says, exasperated.

“I know. It’s just so weird. You think it’s some weird hangover from your first life?” he ventures, writing out ‘Thranduil’ along Ned’s back. Ned smiles and closes his eyes.

“I don’t know. Could be.”

“Well, Legolas inherited his sea calling when he reincarnated.” Vlad admits, voice thoughtful. He almost misses the way Ned tenses up, and is only pulled from his musings when Ned sits up and stares at him.

“Legolas?”

“Hmm?” Vlad asks, looking at him. “Oh, yeah. He was reincarnated in the 1700s, the son of a Pirate. Became a pirate himself. Married the Pirate King. And then became Lord of the Sea.”

“Lord of the Sea?” Ned questions, eyes wide. Vlad smiles and nods his head.

“Lord of the Sea. He’s immortal.” Vlad says, watching the smile that spreads across Ned’s face, the hope that burns in his eyes. “He’s stuck at sea, Thran.” Vlad tells him, not wanting to give Ned too much hope. “One day, every ten years, he’s allowed on shore.”

“One day?”

“Yes. His task is to care for and protect those who die at sea, and ferry them to the next life.” Vlad explains, “His shore leave should be coming up soon.”

“Can you contact him?”

“Yeah, I’ll do it tonight.” Vlad answers, pulling Ned back down against him. “He’s fine, Thran. You even have… well, great times something grandkids by now.” Ned’s eyes sparkle, and Vlad smiles. “Let’s get some more sleep in, before you have to go to work.”

“I’m the boss. I can decide not to go in.”

“You should call in then, at least.”

“Mm.” Ned replies, once more comfortable lying against Bard’s chest. “Comfy.” Vlad laughs and rolls his eyes.

“Alright. You can call later.” Vlad says, closing his eyes.

\--

That night, Vlad leaves Ned curled up safe in his bed, with a letter explaining he’ll be back in a few days, and goes out on the prowl. His meal of the night consists of a man who attempted to mug him, and a man who attempted to mug a couple returning from the cinema.

After feeding sufficiently, Vlad morphs into a swarm of bats and flies out towards the sea, where he turns into a giant squid, flops into the ocean, and begins his swim towards the Flying Dutchman, currently docked at Shipwreck Cove.

Over the course of the journey, Vlad becomes many different sea creatures, some now extinct, and some not. It always gives him great amusement to become schools of small fish, and then giant sharks. He’s always enjoyed the water.

\--

It is well into the morning by the time Vlad makes it to the cove, and he uses his ability over the weather to block out the sun as he leaps from the water a dolphin, and lands on the deck of the Flying Dutchman as himself, starling the crew on watch.

“Morning, gents. Your captain is in, I trust?” he asks them, receiving a small nod from both, and directions in the form of an arm pointed towards the captain’s quarters. “Excellent, as you were, lads.” Vlad tells them, motioning tipping his non-existent hat before making his way to the captain’s quarters.

“Knock, knock.” He announces, pushing the door open and walking inside. A figure leaps up from the bed, sword in hand, before seeing Vlad and scowling.

“Vlad.” The man mutters, lowering the sword and sinking back down onto the bed, breathing heavily.

“William.” Vlad answers, smirking and coming to sit down on the bed beside the man.

“To what do I owe the pleasure?”

“I have found your father.”

“I know where my father is.” Will replies, raising an eyebrow as he looks at Vlad in confusion. Vlad smiles at him expectantly and Will blanches. “No. Ada?!” he exclaims, a smile forming on his face. “You’ve found ada?”

“Yes, I’ve found your ada.”

“Where? How is he? _Who_ is he?” Will asks, his eyes shining brightly.

“He’s adorable.” Vlad answers, earning a sigh from Will.

“Yes, I already knew that.”

“No.” Vlad says, shaking his head. “I mean he is _adorable_. He’s like an overgrown puppy. He’s got the puppy eyes and everything.” Will looks at him sceptically, receiving a scowl from Vlad. “You’ll see.” He grumbles, resisting the urge to cross his arms over his chest. “When is your shore leave?”

“Six days.”

“Perfect. So you can set sail for America when your business here is concluded.” Vlad says, lying back on the bed and resting his arms under his head. Will raises an eyebrow at him.

“Comfortable?”

“Very much, thank you for asking.”

“Mhm.” William replies, climbing to his feet. “We’ll sail in two days, then.”

“Two days?” Vlad exclaims, frowning.

“Yes. My men are visiting their families and their friends, Vlad.”

“Yes, alright.” Vlad answers with a sigh, closing his eyes and making himself comfortable on the bed. “I’ve been swimming all night, plus the sun will be out again now, I’m going to steal your bed for a bit.”

“Fine. I need to speak with the Brethren, anyway.”

“The Brethren?” Vlad asks, surprised. “I didn’t think there was still a court.”

“It’s a different type of court now, but there’s still a court. And there is a new codex now.”

“Huh. Alright then.”

“Sleep well, da.” Will tells him, before slipping from the room.

\--

Six days later finds Vlad and Will walking the streets of a small city near Coeur d’Coeurs, in the middle of the pouring rain, on their way to the Pie Hole.

“Where did you say we were going again?” Will yells at him over the sound of the rain, Lil Jack chattering on his shoulder.

“The Pie Hole.” Vlad answers back, his voice carrying easily through the rain. “It’s not far now.”

“Right.” Will answers, before turning his attention to the people out and about on the street, many of them wearing clothing unsuitable for the weather. “This rain is your doing, isn’t it?” he asks, glancing at his companion.

“Sun was up.” Vlad replies with a shrug of his shoulders as they come around the corner and are faced with a homely looking shop at the end of the street with neon lights proclaiming ‘the Pie Hole’.

“Reminds me of something one might find in the Shire.” Will comments, Vlad nods his head in agreement.

“It does a bit, doesn’t it? It’s probably the windows.”

“Probably.” They cross the distance in silence, stopping at the doorway. Vlad glances up at the sky, and the rain clouds start to dissipate. Vlad smirks and enters the shop, smiling at the inviting atmosphere inside. Lil Jack shaking himself off and curiously observing the room. Vlad traipses over to the counter, smiling at the small blonde working there. “Hello, is Ned in?” he asks, ignoring the little laugh from Will at the name. The blonde smiles at him and turns towards the open kitchen.

“Ned, someone asking for you.” The woman calls, causing the man in the kitchen to pause in his baking and look towards the counter, his face lighting up at the sight of Vlad.

“Hi.” He calls, leaving the kitchen and coming around the counter to stand beside Vlad. “I didn’t know when you’d be back.”

“I had an errand to run, I’m sorry it took so long.” Vlad answers, leaning forward to kiss Ned on the cheek, receiving an excited little squeal from the blonde.

“Ned!” she exclaims, “You didn’t tell me you’d found someone!”

“Shh, Olive.” Ned says, blushing bright red. “I’m on break.”

“Of course you are, honey.” Olive says, making a shooing motion. Ned grins and allows Vlad to pull him over to an empty booth, out of the sunlight.

“So what was this important errand?” Ned asks, sinking onto the bench across from Vlad, back to the door. Vlad smirks and glances towards the counter, where Will is asking Olive if Jack’s allowed in the shop with him.

“Oh, sure, sweetie. Just keep him out of the kitchen, please.” Olive is saying. Vlad clears his throat _loudly_ and Will smiles gratefully at Olive, politely turns down pie, and makes his way to the table. Sinking down into the booth beside Ned.

“Just because you have no manners, Vlad Tepes doesn’t mean we all lack them.” Will snipes, smiling when Ned turns to him so suddenly he gets vertigo.

“Legolas?” Ned exclaims, surprised. Reaching for him, Will allows himself to be pulled into a tight hug.

“Hi, ada.” Will says, smiling sheepishly when Ned makes no move to let him go. “Uhm, ada, you can let go, now.” He murmurs, “You’re squishing Jack.” He adds, as the monkey starts screeching. Ned lets go slowly, Jack jumps down from Will’s shoulder and scurries across the table to Vlad, running up the vampire’s arm to sit on his shoulder and chatter at him, presumably about Ned.

“Tell me about it, Jack.” Vlad tells the monkey, smirking.

“Legolas.” Ned whispers, eyes wide and shining. “You’re here.”

“Yes. And so are you, and so is Bard.” Will answers, smiling. “It’s a new world, ada.”

“Legolas.” Ned repeats, pulling Will into another crushing hug.

“You do realize that I’m soaking wet, don’t you, ada?” Will asks, Ned shrugs his shoulders, refusing to let go. “Right. Of course.” Will sighs and settles in for a long wait. “I had forgotten how horribly sentimental you could be.”

“I thought I was never going to see you again.” Ned mumbles against Will’s chest.

“Yes, well, I thought the same.”

“Never leave.”

“As the only mortal here, ada, I feel like Vlad and I should be saying that to you.”

“Semantics.” Ned replies, laughing softly. “I’ve missed you so much.” he says, his voice wobbling.

“Oh God. Vlad, you were right.” Will says, making a face. “He _is_ adorable.”

“I cannot tell a lie.”

“You can tell many lies.” Will shoots back scowling as Ned starts crying into his chest. “I liked this shirt. A lot.”

“That’s a bloody lie, besides it was ruined from the rain anyway. Stop being so heartless, Legolas.” Vlad tells him, laughing.

“Hmm. Heartless? I wonder why that would be.”

“You have a heart. You just don’t have it with you.” Vlad shoots back, rolling his eyes. Will smiles and rolls his own eyes, rubbing Ned’s back gently.

“Truth be told, I don’t remember where it is. Elizabeth buried it somewhere for me. But she didn’t tell me where before she died.”

“Bummer.”

“Hopefully it is at the bottom of the sea somewhere, where no one will ever find it. I do _not_ want to just die in the middle of something.” Will says, making a face. Vlad shakes his head.

“Maybe you should try finding it?”

“Hmm, true. I could. Dedicate the next ten years to the pursuit of my heart.”

“Indeed.” Vlad agrees, smiling as Jack jumps down onto the table, runs across it and pats Ned gently on the face. “Aw, isn’t that sweet?”

“Strange is more like.” Will answers, cocking his head to the side. “Jack’s never that nice to anyone.”

“Maybe it’s that annoying quality your father had to tame any free beast he came across?”

“True.” Will replies, happy when Ned releases him to pick up Jack, who is happy to chatter at Ned excitedly. “Great. The monkey likes my father better than he’s ever liked me, and I’ve been his companion for over two centuries now. Awesome.” Will sulks, crossing his arms over his chest and sighing.

“You never actually grew up, did you?” Vlad asks, grinning.

“I grew up twice, I’ll have you know.”

“Really? I couldn’t tell.”

“Oh, shut it.”

“You shut it.”

“Both of you shut it.” Ned scolds, petting Jack.

“Sorry.” Vlad and Will reply, sheepish.

“Ada?” Will asks, after they fall into silence for a few moments, watching Ned play with the monkey. “You live somewhere around here, right?”

“Upstairs, why?” Ned replies, looking to him.

“Clothing. Dry.” Will says glancing down at his very wet shirt.

“Oh. Of course. C’mon. And then we can take a tour of the city.”

“Lovely.”

“It’s going to be a very rainy day.” Vlad says, giving a fangy grin. Ned rolls his eyes, a smile forming on his own face.

“Behave, Vlad.”

“Behave?” Vlad exclaims, “I can’t go out in the s-“

“Not what I meant, meleth.” Ned tells him, looking at him sternly. Vlad sighs and nods his head.

“Fine. Lead me off to my doom.” he sulks, sliding from the booth. "I'm ready."

"You're so dramatic." Ned says with a sigh, as he follows Will from the booth.

"I had a great teacher." Vlad purrs at Ned, who blushes. 

"Oh, for the love of- I'm on shore for _one_ day. Please don't make me spend it pretending not to know what's going on in the room next door. You can make up for lost time when I'm gone." 

"Fine." Vlad says, heaving a put upon sigh. "I should have just left you out at sea, and brought Thran to you." he mutters, making Will snicker. 

"Too late now, Lord Tepes." he shoots back, laughing when Ned shoves them both along towards the back of house, and to the stairs leading up into the apartments.

"Neither of you are fit to be in public, I swear." Ned tells them, smiling fondly.

"We had a good teacher."

"Oh, you can't blame me for this!" Ned exclaims, shaking his head. "This is not my fault."

"Mhm." Vlad and Will reply together, entirely unconvinced.

"I knew exactly how to act in public. It was _you two_ that never quite grasped social norms."

"Says the elf who broke the taboos to marry his human." Will points out, a shit eating grin on his face.

"And kept rolling his eyes at said human whenever people he didn't want to talk to spoke to him." Vlad adds, smirking.

"I-I-it was a long time ago. It was a different life. I was a different person back then." Ned replies, face red.

"A likely story!"

"Bard! It's the truth!" Ned whines, causing Vlad to laugh and peck him on the lips.

"There's my Thranduil." Bard coos, while Will mocks throwing up behind them.

"Get a room."

"I thought you didn't want us to get a room."

"Don't you turn this around on me."

"It's like neither of you grew up in this life. I swear." Ned mutters as he unlocks his apartment and shoves them both inside. Lil Jack chattering at him on his shoulder. "Yes, I know. They're like children. It's amazing. The both of them at least two centuries old, and I'm the most mature one here."

"Oh, well now _that_ is pushing things." Vlad answers immediately, receiving a stern look from Ned.

"Oh?"

"Yes. For, uhm, for reasons."

"Mhm.

"Oh, just shush and give me some clothes."

"Mummy and daddy are fighting again." Will sing songs, laughing when Vlad picks up a cushion from the couch and throws it at him. "Oh, it's on!"

"No, it's not on. There is nothing going to be on, except warm, dry clothes." Ned exclaims, exasperated. "I feel like my maturity level is dropping just interacting with the two of you."

"Good." Vlad and Will shout, before there's a silence that fills the room, it's broken by Ned laughing, followed by Vlad and Will. 

"Now, how about that change of clothes?" Will asks, as the laughter starts to die down. "We've put them off long enough now, don't you think?"

"Right." Ned says, smirking. "Now to see what clothing I have for the Lord of the Sea, and the Lord of the Night."

"Or. Or for just two regular guys." Vlad says quickly, but Ned is already walking away. "Thran? Thran. Come back. I'm happy with a pair of jeans a T-shirt. Thran!"

"Well, this should be good." Will sighs, going forth to face his doom.

"Great." Vlad groans, following after.

**Author's Note:**

> I leave it to you to come up with ideas of what wonderful clothing Ned finds to shower upon Wills and Vlad. I have a few ideas of my own.


End file.
